Cuppie


i have a buddy, her name is Cuppie.

absolutely wonderful. she lifts me up on the darkest days. i am thankful for her.

Cuppie is beautiful, she is 100% European and quite exquisite to look at. when i am with her, i have energy, she brings me confidence and hope. 

Cuppie is my human-hair wig.

 

ok, so you may be thinking it's totally weird to name a wig that is plopped on my head every day, so let me unpack my reasoning:

the name "Cuppie" does not refer to the derogatory term for a Chicago cubs fan- my feisty grandmother decided to nickname me "Cuppie" - she noticed that as a child, i would run around her house [bouncing off the walls,] while eating an excessive amount of mini-Reese cups. 
so, from the age of three onward, i was deemed "Cuppie". the name rushed throughout our community like Willy Wonka's chocolate river.. Cuppie was the bubbly, energetic little girl who thrived on her imagination, who ate as many reese cups as her little heart desired, who brought sunshine wherever she went.

as the years flew by, the progression to adulthood seemed to sadly push the nickname to the side, under the rug. dust collected. memories faded. 

i stopped eating the reese cups.

i stopped eating in general.

the energy & the sunshine faded into dim embers of what used to be, and i forgot about Cuppie. I only half-haardly noticed my grandma's cursive handwriting on my yearly Birthday and Valentines Day cards which always read:

"Cuppie, I love you up to the sky!"

the past few painful years, i've walked into work and pushed myself to my limits, pretending i was fine, posting a highlight reel on my social media, attempting to meet the expectations and "standards" that our society is currently embedded in... but the reality was that i was MISERABLE inside.

in my mind, Cuppie was long gone. 

the loss of my hair and the rapid downfall of my health the past three months forced me to look in the mirror and question:

who am i?

the answer to this lifelong question is ever-changing and transforming- sometimes we have seasons of confident self-assurance, but other times, experiences that define beautiful parts of ourselves fade and are covered up with  garbage [judgments, expectations, unhealthy criticism]. 

every morning, i wake up and thank God for gifting me with life, even when it is hard. i open the curtains in my bedroom and sit for a silent moment infront of my mirror and i try to answer that defining question:

who am i?

who am i? i am made from all the people i've encountered and all the things i have experienced. inside, i hold the laughter, the tears & the love of many friends. i hold the joyful talks and the arguments with my parents, the warmth of strangers, the bitter and terrifying abuses and the emotions i can't convey. i am made from all these people and moments. that is who i am.

my wig is sunlight in a dark place- it provides a safety net and helps me walk confidently into work every morning. but every night when the wig comes off,  the bald patches are STILL THERE. the pain and devastation can not be ignored. but this reality has me asking that question:

who am i?

and another: what am i going to do with this experience?

i named my wig Cuppie because although am going through the most difficult time of my 24 years of life, it makes me who i am. 

the little bubbly ball of sunshine who ate excessive amounts of reese-cups is not forgotten, that little girl is a part of me & defines who i am today. 

never again will i allow such an important part of myself fade into darkness.

the pain i am experiencing in my life right now does not define me. EVERY EXPERIENCE in my life is what defines me. every joy and every pain makes me the person that i am today. it is an incredible journey. this is my story. it is constantly changing, transforming, creating. 

this journey is the greatest gift. 

we choose what to do with the time that is given to us- take the garbage can moments of your life and accept them & take the happy memories and hold onto them. your life won't look the way you think it will, but every experience is a part of your journey, your story. i AM a reflection of all my experiences  & i am made of so much of this universe, past, present & future.

Cuppie is a part of my past, and now she is a part of my present. I love her, I accept her.

i eat reese-cups again. they are wonderful.

I choose to embrace life- every moment.

 

[shout-out to Kaylyn, thank you for experiencing many of these seasons with me, you're my rock & i am blessed with the gift of your authentic & honest friendship.]

please visit the CONTACT ME page if you'd like to learn more about hair-loss options & wigs, I can get you the hook-up! I am so happy to help or meet to hear what your journey is.

xo,
Clarisse