bad hair day

i'm sitting at a party with my wig on, and i start itching my head.

"i don't want to wear this," i sigh.

i loosen the hair clamps and unclip the piece from my head while no one is looking and shove Cuppie [my hair piece] in my purse.

and then the stares begin.

i ignore them, and i sit watching a couple sing and dance on television while i touch the two large patches on my right side. i slide my fingers over to the left side, and i notice something.

i feel a small bare patch of skin above my left temple. 

i rub the spot slowly, in a desperate attempt to shake reality. i turn and look at Cory and ask him,

"do you see any new spots?"

he stares and his eyes widen. "i'm sorry..." he says. 

i stand up and run into the bathroom. as i claw the bathroom sink screaming, i see three more fist-size patches of hair missing from my head. this time, the hair fell out of the left side of my head, leaving me with only strings of what used to be thick wavy brown hair.

i scream and cry as i grab Cuppie from my purse and attempt to clip it back on my head, but there's not enough hair to hold the piece to my scalp. Cory stands there, asking me to just calm down, but i can't.

i stare at myself in the mirror, hopeless, and cry.

these are the dreams i usually wake up from most mornings. 

my unconscious mind has the ability to send me spiraling, even after i wake up & a blessed day becomes a living nightmare. in a desperate attempt to regain control from these nightmares, i have put my dependence on my boyfriend at times- i run screaming and crying with no control whatsoever over my emotions, and it's gotten to the point where he now tells me, 

"i just don't know what to do with you anymore, i'm having a hard time handling this."

which in turn (although it is no fault of his own,) sends me even deeper into a deep hole of despair & turmoil and i convince myself that i am indeed a BURDEN.

here is the thing: we all face challenges of our own- EVERYONE faces problems in life. It's a matter of how you LEARN to OVERCOME them. there is a difference between needing support from someone versus making your problem someone else's problem.

the struggle you're in today is developing strength you need for tomorrow.

it ultimately boils down to mindset: when i wake up from my nightmare to my reality, i have choices to make: i can suffer and let my nightmare affect my entire day, or i can choose to eliminate my toxic unconscious thoughts. the latter choice is not an easy one. it takes practice, and i compare it to training for a marathon. the MIND is the limit- as long as the mind can envision the fact that YOU CAN DO SOMETHING, then YOU CAN DO IT, as long as you train your mind to believe, 100%. 

so, my dear reader, if you are struggling and you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, take a deep breath, and remember that YOU are in control of your mindset. we spend so much time in this society today DEPENDING on others to validate our worth, to reassure us- i've become a victim of this #trend

we forget that when people choose not to comfort us or help, when they undermine us or judge us, THEY are telling you THEIR story, not YOURS. 

dear reader, YOU are the writer of your story. 

we are responsible for what we are, and whatever we wish ourselves to be. we have the power to make ourselves. to create ourselves.

i hope if you woke up this morning the way i did, you take a deep breath, and remember that you are in control.

i hope you open your front door and walk outside and breathe slowly, deeply, gently.

take a deep breath, and let go.