alopecia is for life

it's been a rough few days.

the past few weeks, i noticed a significant amount of darker growth around my two bald patches- i attributed it to my newfound healthy eating habits [refer to latest post,] and some vitamins and shampoos i've been testing out [since i consider myself an alopecia experiment]. i felt totally motivated and began to forget the reality of my situation. i dreamt of long, thick locks that i didn't have to hide from the wind or the rain [i love to play in the rain].

but alopecia is for life. there is no cure.

i woke up a few days ago with strands of long dark hair on my pillow. since then, my patches have actually grown larger than they've ever been. chunks of hair have been falling out into my hands at a steady speed. 
some days, i simply pick up the hair and toss it in the trash. but lately, i stare and count the strands i lost. i pick and prod at my hair and devastate myself, my throat and chest tighten. i stare at myself in the mirror and ask: why me? why would my body abandon me this way?

sometimes my hair will fall in small chunks onto my shoulders at work, and i'll run to the restroom to brush the strands off. i'll look down into my coffee cup and find strands floating in slow circles. every time i shower, i look down and see chunks of dark hair in the drain & the soapy suds in my palms are clouded by hair.

alopecia is for life. there is no cure.

but there is hope.

if i do not have hope, then what DO i have? there are moments where i curl up into a ball and cry and wallow in the "misery" that is my life.

but then i remember the reality of the situation.

OKAY, i have this disease, and i can choose to live with it, or not. i can accept and embrace my struggle, or i can give up. everyone carries their own struggle, everyone has a story. this is my story. this is my reality- it doesn't have to be miserable.. now live it.

facing my struggle [facing YOUR struggle, whatever it may be,] is painfully difficult and incredibly BRAVE. the greatest gift that has come from this disease is the support i've received and the beautiful souls i've met along this journey. 

Thank you guys. Thank you for being there for me when I needed to talk, grow, and realize my blessings. Thank you for sharing your story and for teaching me humility. Thank you for holding my hand, messaging me & understanding me. Thank you for the tough love. Sometimes, that is all I need. Sometimes, that is all we ever need, isn't it? Someone to reach out and tell us that it is all going to be okay

Thank you for being courageous and giving me reasons to feel happiness.

there is hope.

xo, Clarisse