facing my fear [needles & injections]

i stand, combing my wet hair, watching the remaining strands on the bottom left side of my  head fall into the bathroom sink. tears spill down my face. there is nothing i can do.

the entire left side of my head has lost almost all hair.

each morning, i desperately move the part in my hair in order to cover up my impending baldness, to no avail. i half-haphazardly brush pieces across my bare scalp in a pathetic attempt to mask my reality. 

some days are harder than others.

i constantly feel like i'm at war with myself.

here's the thing:

people think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will descend like fine weather if you're fortunate...but happiness is the result of personal effort. you FIGHT for it, STRIVE for it, INSIST upon it.. you have to participate relentlessly.

so, i'm going to fight for it. this condition is highly unpredictable in presentation, evolution, and response to treatment. but i am going to keep searching.

tomorrow is a big day. i am going to receive steroid injections in my head. 

when I get scared & lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, it's OK to be scared Clarisse. Learn your way around fear & lonliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience.

prayers & good vibes needed.

stay tuned for results... 

xo, Clarisse