about me cover.jpg

this is my story.

sometimes it is hard to get out of bed in the morning.
 
in the darkness, i hear the birds chirping, and i feel the fear creeping in slowly, starting down in my toes, up and up until it feels like i am suffocating.
 
i reluctantly open my eyes.
 
it is a brand new day.
 
a few months ago, my fear stemmed from general anxiety [i have extreme self-image issues that feed my anxiety constantly]... but this morning, i wake up with the fear that another chunk of hair might be missing from my head.
 
For the past two months, i've opened my eyes reluctantly, body shaking, with the very real expectation that another large chunk of hair fell out of my head in my sleep.
 
every movement i make [stepping out of bed, walking down my stairs, opening the sliding bathroom door,] brings me closer and closer to the reality that i fear.
 
i look in the mirror, and move some pieces of hair aside, and i see it.
 
the bald patch on my head is the size of my fist. some stringy strands span across the patch, like the creature Gollum, from Tolkien's timeless stories.
 
i suffer from the autoimmune disease, alopecia.
 
alopecia occurs when the immune system attacks the hair follicles. there is no cure for alopecia areata.
 
the main trigger for alopecia hair loss is stress.
 
ironically, my stress prior to this trigger-induced baldness centered around poor body image. i was bullied as a child and experienced abusive relationships, all abuse was centered around my body and my worth as a person.
 
four years ago, i began a weight-loss journey that started off as inspiring and ended with me here, standing in front of a mirror, anxiety controlling every breath, staring at the stringy bald patch on my head, wondering: what happened to me?
 
but.
 
as painful as it is for me to carry the reality of this disease, and as hard as it is to get out of bed in the morning, i do have hope. as often as i tell myself when i am feeling down, that there is no fight left in me, i recognize that i have a story to tell.
 
and i forge ahead.
 
this is MY story.
 
this blog contains the lessons I’ve learned from my weight loss (what TO do and what NOT to do). It contains very raw commentary on my experience with anxiety and my auto-immune disease. I provide ways to overcome these hurdles through my journey, and hope to offer help as you navigate your own.